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Mistake: Trying to Raise Happy Kids

Parents often misunderstand cause and effect. Just because a kid is happy, it doesn't mean she will be when she grows up. We really need to aim at raising happy adults...which leads to a pretty good childhood too!

Off to learn,

Fred Ray Lybrand

I’d love to hear your comments or answer your questions

What Can We Learn from A Public School President Who Says He Cannot Write a Sentence?

Detroit Public Schools (DPS) president, Otis Mathis, admits he can’t write a coherent sentence.  He further argues that he is a role model as a leader who can’t write.  He’s a math whiz (high school) and can speak cogently…but when it comes to writing, it no worky (see: Otis Mathis Can’t Write)

Now, you may hear a skeptic’s voice in all of this, but my hope is to bolster you as an educator or as a learner.  Otis Mathis says he is a role model because he shows that even if you can’t write, you can become a success (a president of a school system, no less).

Clearly there is something wrong with this picture, but what?  It is easy enough to say that it would be an even better model if he could learn to write (overcoming the obstacle), however, something is more essential here concerning the future for our children.

Here is the question that needs careful reflection:

Do we pursue our talents or do we bend the world to our flaws?

The move is afoot to bend the world to our flaws.  In fact, if you read the articles on Otis Mathis, you’ll find that there are related lawsuits to drop certain competencies for admission in to various academic programs.  It isn’t that academia is nuts, but rather that there is a values shift in play.  The underlying issue is COMPETENCE v. FAIRNESS.  Another version of this dilemma asks if you are SPECIAL or is EVERYONE THE SAME.

The current uproar about healthcare has this issue at the core as well.  On some level there is the notion that things should be equal for everyone…and on another level, we all know that only one person can win American Idol.

I remember when our daughter played soccer as a little girl there was no score-keeping by the referees, coaches, or parents (it was seen as wrong and too competitive); except, the girls on the team all kept score!

Here’s the secret: Nature wins out over Culture.  The culture says let’s make it fair for everyone.  Nature says we are better than others at something.  Culture says bring competitiveness down.  Nature says you’ll survive with your strengths.  Culture says you are a victim who needs help.  Nature says your skill will help true victims.

My personal conviction is that Otis Mathis can learn to write (& if he’ll come stay with me for a week I can show him exactly how to connect his speaking to his writing).  I have a strength here and I’d love to serve him with it.  It was indeed the reason I organized the insights I’ve discovered into The Writing Course.

If you are still helping your children to get educated, please make sure two simple things are in play:

1. They are getting a solid and broad foundation.  This hooks their brain together…yes, reading AND writing AND arithmetic.
2. Encourage them to stretch to their strengths.  When they pursue their talents they make a contribution…which means they are almost infinitely more employable.

If you are still helping others to get educated at any age…what’s the difference?

You think it takes more, but it really doesn’t.  Keep at it…everything is better learned by practice; and, everything that is learned becomes useful.  The best examples are those who play to their strengths and serve others with them.  Don’t buy the whim of culture…just learn it, or admit it isn’t a strength— no matter what ‘it’ is.  Steer clear of trying to bend the world to think you don’t have to be educated to be an educator…it will always smell funny.

Blessings,

Dr. Fred Lybrand

 

The Importance of Feedback in Teaching Children to Write

I want to encourage everyone to avoid underestimating the value of feedback in learning anything (especially writing).  It is so important that you can simply rest on the fact that without feedback there is no learning.  Imagine a golfer NEVER KNOWING where his shot lands, or never hearing a putt go in the hole.  Learning the sport becomes impossible.  Public speakers almost always improve if they have folks critiquing them (or can watch themselves on video).  A singer cannot possibly stay on key (or improve) if she NEVER HEARS her voice or the other instruments.  These are all FEEDBACK mechanisms.

Now, since writing is about the scariest thing anyone can do (it is permanent…written…can be passed along), we rarely seek feedback without some significant growing up!  Since we are educating our kids, we can just baste (cooking definition) them with it anyway! :) But, you must do it right (or, at least, right enough).

We have video training for giving feedback in the unique way we’ve designed (for grammar, punctuation, spelling, creativity, etc.), but let me tell you the essentials:

1. Use a RED PEN to mark things your student should improve (correct)
2. Use a GREEN PEN to mark things your student should do more of (encouragement)
3. When making suggestions use these exact words, “Does this sound better?”
4. Don’t overwhelm — Instead, please focus on one or two things at a time until mastered (example: Just work on capitalizing the first word in a sentence if that’s an issue).

Blessings,

Fred Lybrand

P.S.  Here’s where to learn more about us: www.advanced-writing-resources.com

Consistent as a Parent? Ha!

From my book…The Absolute Quickest Way to Help Your Child Change I have a problem with being consistent, and sometimes it’s just because I am too tired. How can I overcome this problem?

Inconsistency and tiredness are usually a sign that your child or children are somewhat “out of control.” I don’t mean that we as parents don’t get tired, but if the state is constant exhaustion, then something surely is wrong. Consistency usually comes when both parents participate in the child training process. With both parents, you are able to keep one another encouraged and accountable. Usually, the problem of staying consistent comes from a parent who is too consumed with meeting the child’s needs and making sure the child “likes” him or her. One of my professors at Dallas Theological Seminary, Dr. Howard Hendricks, has often said,“When you do something for someone when he can do it for himself, then you make an emotional cripple of him: Chances are, unfortunately, that if you are inconsistent, you are somehow being encouraged to be inconsistent and the real learning you (and they) need isn’t happening.

Remember, if you see it, it is encouraged. The best idea I have for consistency is for you to take the Four Magic Questions and apply them to your inconsistency. You may find a very simple solution such as telling your children that every time they get you to do something for them that they can do themselves, you will give them a dollar bill. I suspect, unless you think so little of money, that you will change your consistency problem rapidly.

So…what are your thoughts on Consistency?

Fred

 

 

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The 2 Things Needed to Parent Well (Video)

Sometimes we just simply over-complicate things.  Parenting is one of the easiest parts of our lives to do this kind of ‘complexification’ on.
Frankly, the deference to ‘experts’ is part of the problem.  We almost need a revolt to reclaim our home and our parenting.
Well, here’s as simple as it gets:

The 2 Things Needed to Parent Well

So, what do you think?  How might this be a game changer of folks you know?
I’m cheering for you,
Fred Lybrand
P.S.  If you find this to be helpful, you might like this other video too:  Are You Trying to Trick Your Kids into Learning and Obeying?

Are You Trying to Trick Your Kids into Learning and Obeying? (Video)

I’m not sure if it is shear desperation or that we just didn’t quite come up in a home that showed us how—
But, the truth is that we often try to use ‘tactics’ instead of PRINCIPLES in leading our children to
as wise future.  Might as well call it what it is— we are trying to trick them in to doing the right thing!

Are You Trying to Trick Your Kids into Learning and Obeying?

If you think this is helpful, there are two things I’d request:
1.  Share your thoughts here for all of us to consider.
2.  Pass this along
I’m cheering for you,
Fred Lybrand
P.S.  If you found this useful, you also might like The 2 Things Needed to Parent Well

How to Teach Your Child Math Facts

Jody and I have noticed a number of comments in some of the forums we frequent about helping children learn math facts.
Basically, what we mean by this is that a child really shouldn’t start math (in our estimation) until they know multiplication, division, addition, and subtraction to the number ’12’.
Obviously, if a child can learn these things first, then he/she is going to not be so distracted, intimidated, or slow as they work with math.
And yet…seems like helping them learn these facts is a problem.

How to Teach a Child Math Facts

______________

 

Please pass this along if it helps,
Fred Lybrand
P.S.
Go leave your questions below, Thank you!

 

How Do I Grade My Child’s Writing?

Weekly I get a note or a question that sounds like one I received today, “Biggest challenge—being able to correct my student’s writing myself. I know what sounds good, but I am not a writer.”  What great honesty, and how common it feels to all who don’t see themselves as writers.  If you know what sounds good you are about 80% there already.

Of course, my conviction is that most of the punctuation and grammar training is killer our joy and effectiveness in writing.  I feel, sometimes, I’m on a one-man-mission to help people return to the love of writing [you can see my rant against grammar in the article called Why Studying Grammar Hurts Writing].

As a parent you have great motives and surprisingly wonderful insight on your child and his or her writing.  Frankly, you taught them to speak…not too shabby for just hanging around and discussing what’s for supper and why the neighbors don’t like you!

Here’s what you can do about correcting a child’s writing:

The Best Way to Give Writing Feedback

Well, that’s the idea.  You have so much to offer…but really, it is when your child starts correcting him or herself that everything jumps to a new level.  In the meantime, you are far more helpful than you think.  We even have our own children grade each other from time to time (it’s that helpful)!

 

Hope this helps,

 

Fred Lybrand

Do You Know the Shortcut to Good Grammar?

I started out thinking I might want to explain why all the folks griping about grammar (and punctuation and spelling) on the internet need to relax.  Look, I love grammar too (it is so cool to get at meaning / change meaning by looking at how words fit together)…but if your goal is for people to use good grammar, why not use the greatest shortcut available?

The greatest shortcut is our own instinct for language.  Here is an example of an article that explain the innate and consistent ‘basics’ of grammar hard-wired into all of us.

Article: Good Grammar in All of Us (ABC News)

It is innate and instinctive…in fact, evolution has a really hard time explaining how a language instinct would ever develop.  Pinker even admits that if evolution (gradualism in his view) isn’t true, then there MUST be a GOD!  Ockham’s Razor (in my view) also suggests to me that GOD is the answer to this one.  He is the simplest explanation.  He clearly designed us for communication….which includes grammar, of course.

When students start to discover that they can figure out what is ‘right’ (which means it works / makes sense) with their own internal sense of language–apart from knowing the rules consciously— or they grow a kind of confidence that invites them to see what else can be done with words.  Often this same experience blossoms into asking, “I wonder why it works that way?”  Getting curious about something one innately knows becomes real motivation that can last a lifetime.

Why not first show a student that he already knows a lot about language…then show him how folks have recorded the rules he already uses?

Of course, reading good material helps us learn in the same way splashing in the water leads to better swimming skills.

Hope this helps,

 

Dr. Fred Lybrand

P.S.  If this was useful, won’t you please share at facebook and twitter to let others know? Thank you!

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Steven Jobs – His Life as a Parenting Lesson?

I’m not talking about Steven Jobs and his eternal destiny— That is The Almighty’s business. The world is all-a-buzz with Steven Jobs and his history, heroics, and untimely death…and it will continue in this mode for some time. He’s a genius…he’s a buddhist…he’s visionary…he used LSD. All of these things contributed to who he was, and wasn’t . The strange tendency we have a parents is to insist on perfection in ourselves and in our children. Perfection always means there is room to improve, which always means there is room to criticize. This article trys to tell that story of full-perspective. It uses some very un-choice words in quoting Mr. Jobs, so read responsibly. Nonetheless, the points are telling.

GAWKER: What Everyone Is Too Polite to Say About Steve Jobs

And, for all his talk of enabling individual expression, Jobs imposed paranoid rules that centralized control of who could say what on his devices and in his company. What Everyone Is Too Polite to Say About Steve Jobs

Here’s what I think we need to know about people: Always judge the WHOLE PERSON. What an important lesson for our children to take to heart on the path to maturity. Yes, there are single events that condemn the whole (murder, for example), but in our lives that is not who we meet at church, in sports, or at work. We meet people who are both talented and flawed. By way of example, imagine measuring the stock market by looking at the 10 lowest days in the year and concluding that those days tell the whole story. Your prediction of what the market did (would do) would be dramatically off. You are not considering all the pieces. Yet, isn’t that what we do with people? We look at their bad moments and conclude something horribly dark? Or, we look at a few shining moments and embrace an immortal status for them.” Steven Jobs was not perfect, in fact, he never would have made it as a pastor or leader of a non-profit organization. His own talents birthed his own demons. However, we can learn a lot because we can appreciate his words of following one’s own gifting:

But, we can also be straight up with our kids about buttressing our dark-side, our weaknesses. When our children embrace these ideas in there own lives and toward others…then they will know that you were an imperfect parent who birthed an imperfect child who lives in an imperfect world. This perspective offers a way to quit pretending that the person who did something wrong in high school (or last week) is still that same person…deserving of your judgment. This perspective also offers you the opportunity to lighten up against yourself, your parents or your own children in this imperfect world? Realizing you, and they, are a flawed human invites us to accomplish much while refusing to worship or be worshipped.

I’d love your comments to be added below.

Blessings,

Dr. Fred R. Lybrand


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