Writing: The Secret Way to Calm Your Argumentative Kid

Everyone likes to argue, especially when they get to be about 12 years old.

“No, Dr. Lybrand, I have a quiet 12-year-old.” Well, maybe you have the exception, but something is wrong. Quiet people just argue in their heads, while other-than-quiet-people argue out in the ether.

Plain Fact #1

Arguing is thinking. It is natural for humans to think, and debating an issue or question through is a keen way to think. You really don’t want to crush the talent for thinking in anyone…especially because learning how to think means they’ll have very little competition at work someday 😉

Plain Fact #2

Arguing is a developmental stage for humans which matches the design of the brain. In classical educational understanding (Trivium), the game works roughly like this—

1. Grammar/Data Stage (ages 1-10)2. Logic/Thinking Stage (ages 11 -15)3. Rhetoric/Communication Stage (ages 16-21)

It works out that every subject you learn in life follows this form. You must understand the parts (Data), then understand how the parts fit together (Logic), before you can then use your understanding with others (Rhetoric/Communication).

So, having a child who likes to argue (or an employee who does the same) isn’t bad, but it needs some direction. This energy easily moves into writing, because WRITING IS THINKING. Here’s the simple thing you can do when a child gets animated about a subject or issue [our kids often preceded their argument with “They’re idiots…” We never consistently conquered this ungracious expression of frustration ;-( ].

Here’s what I recommend when you get your child to write about the issue that is frustrating them (the issue they are trying to think through):

1. Ask them to answer this question, “Why are you so sure that _________?

Asking for them to explain why they are sure means they’ll need to generate evidence (proof in data or proof in logic, or both). When we express the basis of our conviction in terms of evidence, we often see the flaws ourselves. It is SO FUN to watch a child figure out their own bad thinking!

2. Ask them to explain exactly why the other side thinks the way they do.

Frankly, if you can’t argue both sides, then you don’t understand the issue. This is, in part, what the court system was intended to do…give the best argument both ways for a judge/jury to impartially decide (comment: sadly in court, ‘winning’ became more important than ‘truth’).

So, have your debater write using these two essentials. Even better, have the paper read and discussed together at supper or over ice cream. Everyone will benefit! Also, as a final thought, when your child is arguing with you about what he/she does/doesn’t want to do, these points will work well for you. Just ask (for example):

1. Why are you so sure that I’m wrong to (require you to clean your room before you go out)? 2. What are the reasons you think (I want you to clean your room before you go out)?

It’s not a cure-all, but it will be a big deal as they grow that you direct their unction for arguing! Also, you’ll at least help them become a GOOD lawyer!

Off to learn,

Fred Ray LybrandThe Writing Course Works

What If Your Kids Don’t Like Your Homeschool Curriculum?

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In one of the FB Groups I visit someone asked about how long it takes for kids to like the curriculum. It’s a great question, and we found some liked it faster (and more) than others did. However, it strikes me that the ‘liking part’ can be an issue. So, I’m relaying my thoughts here: My first response:

We never asked, “Do they like it?” We asked, “Are they learning how to learn?”

My elaboration:

I guess our kids never liked it. They thought of school as something they were to do (like baths and feeding the dogs). We built in things they would like…for example, if they worked hard they could get off school sooner. They liked the surprise that came when a book was good, and they like finishing a book that wasn’t so great. They liked family, and playtime, and vacations, and music lessons; and, they liked our Bible Studies and their friends from church and scouts.But today? They all LOVE what we did as a family with schooling. They all see that their life is on a good course with The Lord and their ability to learn is secure and improving still. They LOVE that we were an RC family (with tweaks). They LOVE that they can do their work in college (and beyond) and not struggle with not enjoying the hard parts of learning. Learning is now important to them, the process is no longer an issue.The Bottom Line: The process was liked OK because we keep the End Result in view. We kept sharing a vision for college and life so they could focus on Reading/Writing/Math on a daily basis.

More of the story for anyone interested:

How We Homeschooled (4 Video Lessons)

Off to learn,

Fred Ray Lybrand

What Makes a Good Speller?

Good spellers don’t guess at how to spell a word. Badd spelers guess all the time. Good spellers who don’t guess look up the word, use a spell-checker, or use a different word. If they are not sure, they don’t write it (unless they are time/test constrained).

As homeschool home educators, the reason we focus primarily on teaching our kids to ‘not guess’ AND to learn by rote the words they consistently misspell (made their own list and had them practice them) are five-fold:

1. Guessing is the problem
2. The common words they misspell, once learned, solve 90% of the issue for life.
3. Spelling is too fluid (changing) to have real ‘rules’…exceptions are the rule: counselor (U.S.) vs. counsellor (entire rest of the world). The second spelling follows the rule, the first follows our American bent to be more efficient/lazy (drop a letter).
4. Non-guessers will use spell checkers properly, look it up, and be grateful to those who correct them.
5. People who ‘just guess’ won’t learn the rules anyway except under threat/pain…then they won’t use them because ‘guessing’ is OK.

Off to learn,

Dr. Fred Ray Lybrand
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We Start Books & Don’t Finish Them…Why?

So, I’m sitting here at my desk and I’m looking around my office of about 1400 books (another few thousand) are in the garage in boxes (yes, it is possible that I have an addiction). It’s all much neater now!

As I look at them, I realize that some of them I have never read and some of them I have read two or three times. Why would I buy a book and not read it? Why, in fact, would you buy a book (Kindle counts) and not read it? The answer is really simple…it isn’t interesting to you. I know you have been thinking it is about discipline, but why in the world would you be obligated to read a book just because you bought it?

Well, Dr. Lybrand, it’s a waste if we don’t read books we buy. Really? I’m thinking many of us would be better off intellectually if we had skipped Twilight (even if we bought it). Also, you don’t think it is a waste to not watch every show on TV/Cable, etc. [if that’s your thing], do you?

Most of us haven’t come to grips with a reality about our reading— if the book isn’t worth reading to you, then don’t read it (not saying the kids shouldn’t read their school books!). I came to realize many years ago that NOT EVERY WORD in a book is equally important. I also noticed that once I got what I wanted from a book, I couldn’t find a good reason to finish it.

So, as I pondered the issue of reading I realized that one of my biggest issues was that I wanted to be able to tell someone who asked me that I had read it. Really? Yep, that was me. So, as I thought a little more, I realized two things:

1. What I really wanted from the book was what I really wanted from the book
2. It was a waste of time and energy to try and make myself read something that I didn’t really care about

Ah! All I needed was a way to describe what I did with books, so I borrowed a term from the pirate lore:

I PLUNDER BOOKS

“Have you read this book?” they ask. “Even better, I plundered it.” I answer. This leads to a conversation about how pirates would go onto a ship and remove the treasures and leave the junk. That is what I aim to do with a book. I want to grab the treasure and leave the junk. Now, sometimes that means I read a book SEVERAL TIMES in order to plunder it. Sometimes the treasure is dense in a chapter or two, so I plunder again until I get every gem.

I think this approach to reading allows me to understand and recall a lot more than most folks because I’m not wading through a cargo hold of salty water and ruined packages.

Why don’t you give it a try? Take a book on your list or shelf and give it a plunder. Plan to ONLY READ the stuff you find fascinating and valuable; in fact, read some of that twice! You might just be amazed at what happens! Oh, and if it works and you are chatting about plundering at a dinner engagements…please give me some credit! 😉

Off to learn,
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Fred Ray Lybrand
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P.S. You could plunder my book on getting more done: The One Success Habit (You Can’t Do Without). It’s on sale in Kindle and comes with a link to a free workbook. CLICK HERE

How to Help Your Lazy Child

Here’s a video discussion that talks about the nature of laziness and how to work with concerning your children…featuring Dr. and Mrs. Lybrand.

(Click Video Below)

Comments or questions below:

How to Grow a Good Reader

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How Do You Grow A Good Reader?

As one who spends a good bit of my time promoting writing (see The Writing Course), you might wonder about the connection. Well, there isn’t much of a mystery; the more we read, the more possibilities for writing! I realize that there are plenty of readers who never write, but it is rare to find a writer who never reads…in fact, it may be impossible.

Really, it’s all about learning to love words and ideas, and how these two transform thoughts, touch emotions, and tutor actions. Reading is awesome, true?

So, if your kids are reluctant readers, here’s what I’d suggest:

1. Make sure your student can read

*Review or Retake a good phonics course. No time to explain it here, but this is often the issue. For a variety of reasons some kids just don’t quickly crack the code on reading. Phonics is the code.

*At least for a few weeks, have your child read out loud for 10 minutes a day and then explain or recount what they just read. This exercise alone will show you what’s up with your reader, AND LIKELY it will connect the reading brain to your child’s soul.

*Read interesting books to your children and stop every 10 to 15 minutes to have them explain what you read (see above). Getting fascinated with good books often starts here.

*Get them tested. I’m not really that big on testing, but there are times you might need a baseline to measure improvement and target weaknesses.

2. Make sure (for a while) that every other book your student reads is fun enough to read

This will not be your ‘always’ pattern, but early on in independent reading it is vital that children enjoy WHAT they are reading in order to enjoy THE ACT of reading. Usually books don’t start out interesting or ‘fun’ because it takes a bit to ‘get into’ the book. Once a child is a reader, almost every book will be interesting enough to read.

Though there are different interests, there is a bit of wisdom in public/historical opinion. The books that have been tried-and-true are the ones we often call classics. Have your child read those especially.

Every now and again I’d go to the bookstore and let every child pick out a book for themselves to own for their own library (there was a price limit!). They loved this and learned to look for books they REALLY WANTED to read. If that’s too costly just now, go to the library and borrow a book they pick out because it sounds fun or interesting.

3. Read yourself

‘Do as I say and not as I do’ just simply won’t work. Find something you’d enjoy and read it alongside the kids (or some other way which is noticeable).

4. Set both a time and page number limit for ‘school’ reading

Most of you won’t do this, but I honestly don’t know of anything that improves skill and confidence in reading like this approach.

Here’s Why: A large part of the problem children have in reading is that they simply aren’t reading fast enough with the focus real reading requires. They read a word or two and look around…then they read another word or two and look at the clock…all the while thinking the book is boring. The cure is FOCUS…and…the major cause of focus is LIMITS.

Here’s What: Create the number of pages AND a time limit for what the child will read for school. Obviously this is easier for homeschoolers, but everyone can set up a 30 minute reading session. Our kids had two 1 hour reading sessions a day for school, but that was us.

So, it sounds like this, “Laura Anne, you need to read to page 75 in the next 30 minutes. If you finish early, then you can do what you want with that time. If you aren’t finished, then you’ll have to keep reading until you are finished.”

Having a reading goal of the number of pages AND the time limit generates motivation and focus. It also gets the child ‘into’ the book. Haven’t you looked at your watch and also noticed that you could end a chapter in a few more pages? Did you then focus and read to get to that stopping place?

Here’s How: You simply need to calculate the reading speed of your child for that book. Often you’ll adjust as you see what they can do, but close enough is close enough.

A. Have your child read for one minute and mark how far he made it.

B. Count the words in the first three lines of a page in the book and divide by three (this gives you the average number of words per line).

C. Multiply the number of lines your child reads in 1 minute by the average number of words in a line (#2 above). This is how many words your child can read in a minute in that book.

D. Finally, count the number of lines on an average page and multiply by the number of words in a line (#2 above). Now you know the Words Per Page and how many words your child can read in a minute…which should give you a good idea of how far she can read in 30 minutes.

Here’s an Easier Way: At Least Guess

See how far your student reads in a minute and guess how far 30x would take them in the book, then use that stopping point (page number).

5. Keep a chart.

Have your child keep a simple chart of # of pages and how much time it took. Frankly, if you do nothing but this chart you’ll see reading improve, especially if you put the chart on the refrigerator.

6. Have your students tell you about what they read sometime later in the day (supper works well)

The feedback loop of conversationally sharing crystallizes one’s understanding of what is read. It’s kind of like the old adage, “To really learn a subject, teach it.”

7. Get your student writing!

There is a strange power that takes over when we write. Suddenly we start looking at books differently. We see why somethings work and why others things do not. We even begin to say, “I would have written the story this way instead.” Writing has a way of calling us to be good readers. Honestly, just a little writing every day can change your student’s life forever.

Now, if you find a better path, then go for it. Honestly, we know this worked with our 5 children, who are all continuous readers as adults.

I’d love your thoughts (below),

Dr. Fred Ray LybrandWe Cure Reluctant Writers